


The Wonderous Bullshittery Surrounding Ants

by FoolsgoldFenrir



Series: Mad Jarate [4]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Honestly though who doesn't?, Humor, I Tried, M/M, They laugh at the stupidest shit, kind of a shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26855428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolsgoldFenrir/pseuds/FoolsgoldFenrir
Summary: RED Scout and RED Sniper laugh like hyenas over ant-related threats, calling each other antfuckers, and the concept of a movie about ant people. That's literally it, that's the whole story. There's also a neat little wholesome bit in the end that goes into the future. Just regular ol' stupidity. Rated T for swearing and antfucker jokes.
Relationships: RED Scout/RED Sniper, Scout/Sniper (Team Fortress 2)
Series: Mad Jarate [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978612
Comments: 7
Kudos: 40





	The Wonderous Bullshittery Surrounding Ants

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't originally plan on spoiling the surprise, but I currently have a project in the works and a good chunk of it has been written. It's a sequel to Lemonade On The Rocks, my first TF2 fanfic that I said I'd do a sequel for at some point. And I intend to make good on that promise, as inspiration doesn't leave me. In the meantime, here's a stupid little thing I did. It's quite short (for once lol) but that's okay. Does this count as a shitpost? It's a little shitposty, but hey, been a while since I last did one of those. Inspired by the discovery of a joke subreddit called r/antfuckersclub and a clip from Saberspark in which he laughs about the existence of A Bug's Life and Antz, because sometimes we all just need some time to laugh at stupid shit.
> 
> Anyway bye, see you when the project is ready.

"Ya know, Snipes, with a gravelly voice like that you could really afford ta make it sound scarier." The RED Scout said, lounging on the mattress in the RED Sniper's van. _Tom and Jerry_ was currently playing on the small television, per Scout's request to show Sniper some of what he liked as a kid and still did. The blue light illuminated the otherwise dark and small room. Well, it wasn't so much of a room as it was the back of a camper van, but despite that it was rather cozy.

The RED Sniper turned away from the slapstick currently happening on the screen to face Scout with a confused expression. "Sorry? Oi don't follow."

"Like, you're always saying things like 'oh oi'm gunna turn ya into colored rain!' and 'oi'm gonna make a necklace outta your teeth.'" Scout was not good at imitating accents, especially not ones that required his voice to be deeper. Instead it sounded even more high-pitched and wheezy. "To be fair, dat last one's pretty scary. But ya could be scarier if your threats were more… I dunno, creative! Out there, weird, unique, whatever."

"Oh really? Loik wot, exactly?" Sniper asked, lowering the volume on the TV.

"Like… hmm…" The Bostinian tapped his chin in thought before perking up with a lightbulb over his head. "Aha! Something like… _I swear to God if you say that again I'm gonna make sure ya piss nothin' but ANTS fer tha rest 'a yer life!"_ He blurted out, one hand on his hip and the other pointing a finger in the air as if scolding someone.

Sniper pulled his aviators off of his face and folded them neatly, placing them on a little nightstand next to a glass of water. _"Ants?"_ He asked, now even more confused. He chuckled, replaying the threat in his mind and finding it funnier and funnier the more he thought about it. "Heh heh heh, ants. Why ants, though?"

“I dunno, I guess creepy crawlies just make threats scarier. And funnier too.”

“Ants ain’t that scary though. And why would there be ants in me dick that would lead t’ me pissin’ ‘em out?”

“Aw c’mon man, ya can’t look too deeply into the-” Scout stopped himself short as he got attacked by yet another fit of the giggles. “Hmm y’know what? Why _would_ there be ants in yer dick, Snipes?” He accused mockingly, a friendly light in his eyes indicating that he was just playing around.

“Hell if I know, yer the one that brought up ants.”

“Ey don’t dodge da question, campah! Is it because yer an antfucker? Is that it, ya fuck ants?”

Sniper sputtered, having not expected the conversation to turn the way it did. Still, he was willing to play along. Part of him admired just how eccentric Scout could be, it made the usually dull atmosphere of his van feel a little less dull. And truth be told, it made him feel just a teensy bit younger, though maybe that was because they were both the youngest members of the team as far as they knew. Though, one wouldn’t know that Sniper was only 28 if they were to go by his grizzled appearance. “The ants oi fuck are none o’ yer business. An’ this comin’ from the guy that brought up dicks full o’ ants in the first place. Got anythin’ to hide, ye little bugger?” He mocked right back, putting in a little bit of extra flair by sticking his chin up and folding his arms.

“So I’m a bugger, eh? See, ya really are an antfucker, heh heh!” Scout elbowed Sniper in the side, nudging him the tiniest bit but easily shrugged off.

“Yeh, though oi prefer callin’ you ‘roo.’ Suits ye better. But maybe yer an antfucker too, oi bet ye watch yerself wank off in th’ mirror and imagine yerself as a big ol’ ant.” 

“Fine, fine! Guess we’re both antfuckers then, me ‘n you, if only cuz we’re both fuckin’!” The Bostinian threw his arms in the air in an exaggerated fashion.

“Doesn’t seem so bad then, better th’ both of us rather than just me.”

The two mercs snickered some more before silence ensued for a good five minutes, coming down from the high. The silence was broken by Scout poking a resting Sniper awake.

“Yo, what if… what if da future ain’t gonna be as hi-techy ‘n fulla aliens and all that shit? No flyin’ cahs, or livin’ on Mars, none ‘a dat.” Scout mused, sitting up on the mattress and leaning against Sniper’s warm body.

“Hrm? Wot’s this yer goin’ on about now?” The marksman inquired, having not expected things to suddenly get philosophical. But then it didn’t, and Scout threw him for another loop.

“What if we’re all expectin’ somethin’ big by tha turn ‘a the century, the turn ‘a the millennium too, but the big surprise turns out to just be…” The runner paused, imagining a drumroll in his head for the big reveal. “A movie about ants. _Ants_ of all things, but not just any ants, oh no no no! See, they’ll be ant _people,_ standin’ upright ‘n lookin’ all uncanny and crap. And then enter the ant fucker club, for the people that like ants and ant people a bit too much.”

Ah, there it was again. Scout had a one-track mind most of the time, and yet it still managed to be quite the enigma that Sniper had yet to figure out. He didn’t even bother asking how Scout reached such a conclusion at this point, not sure if even Scout himself could explain it. “I figure ‘at if we, against all odds, manage to survive ‘til then, yer gonna drag me t’ see this hypothetical ant people movie that’ll give birth to a nation o’ antfuckers.”

“It’s a big if, but hell yeah! If some crazy bastahd doesn’t make it happen, den I’ll be dat crazy bastahd, mark mah words!”

Sniper said nothing at that, his only response being to chuckle lightly and pull Scout closer, then putting the volume on the TV back. “Only a couple more minutes of TV, then off t’ bed wit you. Got it?”

“Works for me, as long as I get ta stay in da van again. It’s cozy in ‘ere.”

“Works fer me. Yer show ain’t half bad anyway.” Sniper paused in thought before adding in, “And neither are you, it turns out.”

* * *

Many years later, 30 years after that conversation in fact in the good ol’ year of 1998. Many years after the Gravel War had come to an end and both RED and BLU were sent on their way to live the rest of their lives. Even the two youngest members of RED, Scout and Sniper, were now somewhat withered with age. Scout was still fast enough to leave those that were several decades his juniors in the dust. Sniper would have also gone on to affectionately call him ‘roadrunner’ for that reason, in addition to the first nickname of ‘roo’ back in 1968. Speaking of Sniper, his vision wasn’t what it used to be but it was still good enough to allow him to hit a sparrow in the heart with a bow and arrow just like in his youth.

Despite all the hardships life gave them, being through thick and thin, and all the bumps in the road along the way, they were still together and lived comfortably. They were never married, unfortunately their time period still hadn’t allowed that to happen yet but they still hoped that eventually, someday, they could put a ring on it. And on occasion they still reunited with their old teammates (and sometimes their old enemies as well who they had since formed a treaty with, the BLUs) to check up on one another and make sure they weren’t dead. They sometimes still got dragged into shenanigans during their reunions, but they wouldn’t have it any other way. Those five years together at RED were definitely worth it. Truth be told, not much had changed with any of them as far as they could tell.

And even after all those years, they still fondly remembered that one conversation and liked to bring it up sometimes. It stuck out for two reasons. One, it was around the time they had started growing closer together as friends, being more than just co-workers and more than co-workers with benefits. And two, Scout’s nonsensical prediction had come true - those crazy sons-a-bitches had made a movie about ants. And then there was another movie about ants, with a z. Both of which often resulted in them having to pause it two minutes in to deal with the laughing fit Scout became a victim of. And that laugh of his was infectious, because soon enough Sniper found it in him to laugh as well, remembering everything just as fondly.

“I freakin’ told ya, Snipes, they made a movie about _ants!”_ Older Scout wheezed and nearly fell over, caught just in time by Sniper who was in danger of falling over himself. _“They made a movie about a- hahahaha- nts- hahahaha!”_

“An’ then they were like _‘bro, we already got ants, you can’t do that!’”_ Older Sniper followed up with the way he knew the exchange went every time, yet he still laughed because it never stopped being funny.

“And then they’re like _‘fuck you we’re doing ants! With a z!’”_ Older Scout finished, finally managing to get ahold of himself and sit back on the couch in front of their TV that was bigger than the ones they had back in the day but still somewhat small. 

They didn’t live in Sniper’s van anymore, rather they’d managed to use the money they got from their mercenary work and find a cozy apartment back in Boston, which felt similar to the van situation. They still kept the van around, which miraculously still worked, though it was a beaten up, dusty old thing. And sometimes they liked to chill in there instead for the sake of nostalgia (and sometimes for the sake of a quick fuck, also for nostalgia).

“Ah, ants… goddamn ants of all things…” Older Sniper chuckled quietly, a smile tugging at his weather-worn lips.


End file.
